Greed. Hate. Anger. Resentment.
Human emotions that we are all guilty of, whether we want to admit it or not. So many times, we look at others, and thoughts cross our minds that we know shouldn't. Because, who are we to judge?
I know I personally can judge no one. I am far from perfect. I have made my mistakes....probably much more than my fair share of them.
I'll start with greed. I don't care who you are, you have at some point in your life been greedy, or had a greedy thought cross your mind. Most of them are just that, innocent thoughts. But sometimes they determine decisions we make.
Let me put the definition out there...
Greed: intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth, power, or food.
I'm so guilty of greed. It's no secret that we live pretty much paycheck to paycheck. Yes, we find ways to do special things for our children, but it isn't without budgeting and deciding when and what we can do. And I've looked at others who have their own homes, and can afford Disney World vacations, and thought geez, that's so unfair. Why can't that be me?
GREED. Whenever I have those thoughts, I bring myself back down to earth. What decisions did I make that led me to where I am today? I didn't finish college; guilty. I had my first daughter before I was married, and before I was mature enough to fully comprehend everything that motherhood would entail; guilty. I got married young and had more children, before we were financially sound enough to afford the lifestyle I am looking at with greed; guilty. So, who am I to be greedy? I made my decisions, and I take responsibility for them. Only I can answer for the choices I made.
So instead, I pray for forgiveness, and thank God for blessing those who are more fortunate in ways than my family may be. I teach my children not to be greedy, and to be thankful for what they have. Yes, they may WANT more, but they have everything they NEED, plus some. They are well taken care of, and much more fortunate than some children in this world.
Next up, hate. I'm not going to lie here either, I HATE the word hate. I don't allow my children to say it.
Hate is defined as feeling intense or passionate dislike for someone or something.
I do believe that I can honestly say that I hate no one. There are people who I disagree with their decisions and choices, but I don't hate them. I never will. But, I am guilty of hating some of the things that this world has come to.
Oddly enough, I am finding it hard to even type the word hate in this paragraph, because my dislike of that word is that intense.
I strongly dislike what some children are exposed to, and therefore unknowingly expose my children to. Children are innocent, and they only know what they are shown by the adults that they trust. And there are things that I would like to keep my children from knowing until they are old enough to understand it.
Call it sheltering them if you'd like. I don't consider it that. I want to preserve their innocence and their imagination for as long as I can. I don't want my children to know that drugs exist, or that the world is becoming such a scary place. I can honestly say that my 7 year old has never seen an episode of Monster High, doesn't own any Bratz dolls, and still prefers to watch Paw Patrol with her brother and sister as opposed to shows that other children her age are watching. And I'm ok with that. Do I think its wrong that other parents allow it? Absolutely not. I believe that every parent knows their child best, and knows what they are mentally capable of processing. Therefore only a parent can make those decisions for their child.
But I love that Makenna can pretend so vividly, and believes in unicorns and fairytales, and that all of her dreams can come true. I'm not perfect at parenting, but I do my best for my children.
And, since I'm being honest here, I admit that I do hate anxiety and phobias. I struggle with emetophobia, and for those who know me, you know what that is, I'm sure. For those who don't, its a fear of vomit. Yes, its a real thing. No, it's not a joke. And yes, it sounds hilarious, but when you are an actual emetophobic, I can promise you it is no laughing matter at all. And yes, it's much different than just not liking it when people throw up...I mean I will run away from you, probably screaming, and not return until I have a face mask and gloves. Just ask my husband. ;)
Yes, this interferes at times with my parenting. But, I do my best daily to deal with and overcome my fear and my anxieties. And it only makes me more thankful for the people who I know I can count on to come when I need them, and who support me the best way that they can.
That got a little off topic, but you get the point.
Oh, anger...how many times we have had to encounter one another. It can be so hard to control anger at times.
Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
Please, tell me you have kids and have never gotten angry with them. I dare you. It's how we handle anger that matters, and I will also admit that I haven't always handled it the way that I should.
I've yelled. I've lost my temper. More times than I'm proud of. And not just to my children. And, I also admit that I became a much more angry person after Khoen died. Am I looking for an excuse for my anger, or for pity? Absolutely not. Like I said, I'm just being honest.
Sometimes I even find myself getting angry at things that don't even concern me. Someone may make a comment about how twins are hard work, and someone is lucky to have only had one baby rather than two....cue my anger. Should I be angry at that? Nope. But am I? Oh yes. Why? Because, in my human, irrational mind, I would love nothing more than to have my twins back. Would I also think that they were hard work? Sure! And I probably wouldn't have appreciated the struggles as much as I should have.
But, Khoen died, and I didn't get a lot of the chances that I felt like I was entitled to, and I got angry. In reality, I wasn't entitled to anything. Only God knows how many days we each have on this earth, and it took me losing my son to realize that. To realize that you really do have to make the most of what you're given.
But, that doesn't mean that I don't still get angry. I get angry when I've said 15 times in 5 minutes to clean up the little cubes that the kids love to pretend are anything and everything, and that hurt your feet something awful if you step on them....and instead of cleaning, they are still laughing and playing and being kids. I get angry when I ask my husband to do something to help out around the house and he agrees, and I wake up the next day to find that I have to do it myself.
Does that mean I love my husband or children any less? Not at all! But, I'm human, and I get angry. Everyone does.
Last, resentment. This one ties into the others, but it's been a HUGE struggle for me.
Resentment is bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
I've already admitted that I became a more angry person when Khoen died. But more so, I became a resentful person.
Sure, I'm guilty also of resenting little things...like people with huge backyards for their kids to play in, people who can comfort their kids while they puke without feeling like the world is ending...you know, crazy little things that I shouldn't even have to admit.
But, my main struggle has been my resentment towards anyone and everyone with twins. This has made me feel like a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person. And I mean that.
But let me get this straight....I do not resent the fact that other people have twins, I resent the fact that I only have one of mine here.
Oddly enough, I am also obsessed with twins, and if I ever hear of something bad happening to a twin I have to constantly check to make sure they are both ok. I know, it's confusing in my own mind, too.
I have a friend I've never even met, but I call her a friend, who lives states away and has twin girls, and they mean more to me than I can put into words. It doesn't hurt me to look at their pictures, because I am just so glad they are both here, and healthy. One of them had cancer, and was very sick, and the thought of their mother knowing the pain that I know was terrifying. So to know she is better and can now be a regular kid with her twin sister is an amazing feeling.
I have let this resentment interfere with friendships. Friends that have had twins after me, I struggle to be around. I sometimes have a panic attack if I know twins are going to be somewhere that I'm going.
I can only relate it to the fact that it makes me face my reality, and sometimes I think my mind tries to hide from that reality. So when I am forced to see what I should still have, it hurts, and its scary.
But, I love twins. I think they are an incredible blessing to anyone who is lucky enough to have them. And, if you have twins, I don't want you to think you have to avoid me at all costs, because you really don't. Part of my fear is that I will cry around twins, which will then make the parents feel guilty, which will then make me feel even more guilty, and its just a downhill spiral. So if you have twins and are around me, please know I don't love you any less, nor your children. And that if I cry, it's only because I miss my own son, and the memories we could have had. It's not because you upset me.
You may think that I sound like a horrible, mean person, but I'm really not. I've just been through things that have changed the ways that I think about life. Some in positive ways, and some still in negative ways that I'm doing my best to overcome.
One thing is a sure fact though....greed, hate, anger, and resentment all tend to lead to one thing: regret.
I regret so many things. I regret decisions that I made as a teenager that changed the way people who had known me forever looked at me. I regret taking life for granted. There are people I have hurt in my past, and I regret that as well.
Some people say to have no regrets, because your decisions made you who you are. I agree to an extent, because the things I regret did change my ways. They changed they way I think, act, speak to others, and my relationship with God. And although I am thankful for that, I still regret them.
The mistakes that I have made help me to teach my children mistakes that they should not make. And I can't guarantee that they won't, but I can pray they don't.
And even though I struggle with these things, I am happy with my life. I can see how blessed I am, even when I feel I don't deserve to be. I pray that those I have hurt in the past truly can forgive me, and know that I am not the same person I once was.
By the way, I also have trouble being open and letting people see this side of me, because it's a side that I struggle with on a daily basis. But I want to be a better person, and I know this is a step in that direction.
All I can do is take life one step at a time; one day at a time; and thank God for everything that He has given me. Thank Him for His forgiveness, time and time again. Thank Him for His faithfulness, in never leaving my side when I need Him the most. I thank Him for the family and friends He has surrounded me with. And thank Him for the gift of motherhood, and every moment that has come with it.
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