"I can only imagine
What it will be like,
When I walk
By your side.
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see,
When your face
Is before me."
Tonight, driving home in the car alone, I heard this song for the millionth time. And, once again, as it has multiple times recently, it made me cry.
Today has been a day full of little reminders of Khoen. Well, some little and some huge. All of my kids are signed up for the Toys R Us Birthday Club, and not ever thinking that I would lose one of my children, of course the twins were signed up as well when they were born.
We are only 13 days away from February 7. From my boys' 2nd birthdays. I can't even type those words without tears. I'm not ready. We got in the mail today both of their Birthday Club envelopes, with little $3 off coupons inside. One addressed to Mikah, and one to Khoen.
It's so hard to figure out what I want and need to do in these situations. With the girls, its always an exciting, "Yay, look! We can use this and take you on your birthday to pick a special prize!" And with Mikah its the same. But, what do I do with Khoens? I feel guilty just cancelling Khoens and keeping Mikahs. Not to mention, it isn't exactly easy to call or email people and tell them that he died, so we don't need to get these anymore. In a way, as much as it hurts sometimes, it's nice to be reminded that other people know he was real, too. People who don't even know him.
But, its hard to get a letter addressed to him in the mail and not have him here to give it to. I want to badly to see him now. I want to know what his hair would be like...brown like it was at birth, or blonde like Mikahs. Curly like Kaisyns, or straight like Makennas. I just want to know all the little details of his personality, like I do the other kids. I want to hold him. I want to hug him. I want to watch him blow out his candles and eat his cake. And sometimes it just hurts.
Driving with Makenna today, we saw a funeral procession right near where Khoen is buried. We stopped of course, out of respect, and she had her regular hundred questions about why we were stopping when the stoplight was green. I explained to her that it was a funeral, and that's why all the cars had their flashers on.
"Like Khoen's funeral, mommy?"
I told her that yes, it was just like that. That family had someone that they love very much go to Heaven, and they are going to the cemetery like we did for Khoen.
"Will they see Khoen at the cemetery, mommy? Will they stop and say hey to him?"
I told her they may, but that they may not know who Khoen is. They are thinking of their loved one today, and that's ok.
"I think they should go see Khoen, mommy. They would love him, like I do. I miss him, mommy."
I miss him too. So incredibly much.
Then I heard that song, and again I thought of little Khoen. I thought of how amazing it must have been to close your eyes to sleep, and wake up to see Jesus' face. Sometimes my earthly mind makes me wonder if he was scared. If he was sad that he was leaving us, and if he was afraid to not have his mommy. But I know he wasn't. I'm sure he wasn't.
I thought of Grandmom and Grandad up in Heaven. I thought again of how excited Grandmom had been about the twins. I thought about how much she wanted to meet them. I thought about how tightly she must have hugged him, and how happy he must have been to meet her. I know Grandad has made him a Carolina fan, too, even from Heaven, and even against his daddy's Duke-loving ways.
Sometimes it still hurts a lot, too, to think of how much Grandmom would have loved Mikah, and how much he would adore her. And Kaisyn would, too. She was too little to remember them, and it hurts, because they were such important people to me.
But I know that we will see them again. I know that when they get to Heaven, they will know who Grandmom and Grandad are, and they will recognize Khoen, too. And someday I will get to see my twins side by side again, as they should be.
I'm not sure yet how I am going to get through their birthday weekend. I'm really not. I wish I could say that I feel stronger this year than I did last year, so I will be just fine. But, that would be a lie. I feel more scared this year than I did last year. I am just not ready. There are so many sets of twins around me, and as fun as it is to watch them grow up, its so hard sometimes. That should have been me, too. That should have been my boys.
My girls are best friends. They share a room, they laugh and giggle. They play barbies and mermaids, and dress up together. They are always telling Mikah he can't play because hes a boy. Of course I have tried to help them play with him, too, and they do. They adore him, as he does them. But, I feel like he is missing his best friend. He should have a roommate, too. He should have someone to play cars with, and to fight with, and to get into trouble with.
My heart just hurts tonight.
I am praying for the strength to get through the weekend of the 7th. I honestly don't know if I will make it out of the house. I feel terrible for having nothing planned for Mikah yet again, and having no presents bought yet. I've tried, and I just start feeling sick and overwhelmed, and I have to stop.
I am planning to do a joint party for him and Kaisyn at the beginning of March, since their birthdays aren't that far apart. We've planned on Mickey and Minnie for a while now, since he is obsessed with anything and everything Mickey Mouse, and Kaisyn absolutely loves her Minnie Mouse! Hopefully after I make it through Mikah and Khoens birthday, I will be able to pull myself back together and get it planned and ready.
I know I will make it through. I know that I am not alone, and that He will carry me through. But I admit that I am scared. I am back to the no-sleep and nightmares, and feeling sick all the time. I have headaches everyday, and I know its from stressing myself out. I have pulled away from people that I love, and I don't mean it to hurt anyone. I have just had to focus 100% of my energy on my family in order to make sure I am giving them the best of me, which sometimes I still feel isn't good enough.
That's where the other song I heard tonight comes in.
"You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are made for so much more than all of this.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His.
You're beautiful."
I know that if I raise my children to know that they are beautiful, they are treasured in His eyes as well as mine, that I will have done something right. As long as they know they are deserving of Heaven, they are made for Heaven, they are made for more than this world can ever bring them, I will have done my best for them.
Beyond the hurt, beyond the tears, I am blessed. I know that. I have 3 absolutely amazing children asleep in their beds right now, and one precious, perfect little angel whom has been closeby me all night. I am blessed. And I can't thank the Lord enough for that.
I will be ok. I will make it through Khoens birthday, and I will find stronger days again.
I'll do it for Makenna, Kaisyn, Mikah, and my sweet Khoen. <3
