Wow. I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, I'm not really even sure how to start organizing them so that my words make any sense. I'll try my best.
This weekend has been the luminary sevice at Evergreen Cemetary, where Khoen is. It's beautiful. And I'm touched by the fact that people have told me they have been through, and seen where my sweet Khoen and sweet little Chloe are. We rode through both nights, and its just so amazing.
Each grave has its own luminary, and they also write "In Loving Memory" in the lights. Tonight, I was able to stop the car, and walk out to Khoen's grave. But apparently him and Chloe decided to play a trick on me, because they knew I was coming. Their lights were the only two in their section that were burnt out. And I didn't have anything to light them with, so I couldn't take a picture of them lit.
It's ok though, I take it as a sign that they were right there with me, just being silly little kids. <3
Yesterday morning, I woke up not feeling well at all. Plus I had a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder, and literally couldn't breathe without being in excrutiating pain. It was terrible. So we didn't do much, and I kept Kenna home from school. There was honestly no way I could drive her to school in the condition I was in.
Last night, after Dustin was off work, we went to help Hannah set up for her baby shower. We got it all ready for the shower today. I think it looked really good. :)
This morning, I got up early, and baked cupcakes for the shower. I was feeling a ton better than yesterday, other than my neck being a little sore. I managed to get all 3 kids fed, bathed, and dressed before Dustin got home from work. Then we headed out the door; the kids and I with Ashley, to go to Hannah's shower, and Dustin to Wesley's funeral.
Backing up a step: It's been a week full of loss, and it breaks my heart. One family, the Telsrow's, lost their 24 year old son Wesley, to cystic fibrosis. He was strong, and fought hard, through surgeries and transplants and hospital stays. And he got an infection that his body just couldn't fight through. Dustin had been friends with him for a long time, and was really upset.
We ran into Wesley at Lowe's, just two nights before Khoen passed away. We had all 4 kids with us, and he was one of the very few people who got to meet Khoen before he went to live with the Angels.
And another family, the Turners, lost a 30 year old husband, and father to 2 young precious girls. He was battling brain cancer, and his chemo caused problems with his lungs. He fought hard as well, and is missed so much by his family. It just really does break my heart.
:(
On a happier note, I think Hannah's shower went really well, and I hope she enjoyed it. She got lots of awesome things for her twins! Austyn and Bently are gonna be two spoiled little cuties!
We played so many fun games...I think the favorite was the candy match-up game. I'm glad I was able to be a part of it.
I've had quite a few people, both family members and friends, mention to me that they didn't see how I was able to be so close to Hannah and help with her shower and everything else, when she's having twins and I just lost one of mine. So I wanted to explain how I'm ok with things.
Khoen and Mikah are my twins. They will always be my twins, whether they are here on earth, or in Heaven. And I miss having my twins together here on earth more than anything. I miss my Khoen more than anything. And it isn't always easy.
But, I love Hannah. Hannah means more to me than she or anyone else will ever realize. Hannah didn't even know who I was, but she reached out to me when I lost Khoen. She reached out to me without ever hearing my name. That's what I call an amazing person.
Hannah's twins are Hannah's twins, and she deserves this. She has been through so, so much, and she deserves the world. Unfortunately, so much of her world is in Heaven with Khoen. Her son Raidyn, her uncle Ray, her brother Quinn, her Papaw, and thats just a few of them. Hannah has always wanted twins, just like I always wanted twins. And Austyn and Bently make Hannah smile. Seeing them on ultrasound, hearing their heartbeats, feeling them move, preparing for them, all of that makes Hannah happy. And that's exactly what I want for my friend, for her to be happy.
I remember being pregnant with my boys, and how excited I was about it all. I remember daydreaming about their firsts; especially about this Christmas. And no, things didn't turn out as I had dreamed. I would much rather have Khoen here at home with me tonight rather than visiting him at the cemetary. But, this is the life that God chose for Khoen, and this is the life that God chose for me.
Khoen was meant for bigger and better things. He brought me closer to God, and made me believe stronger than ever. He gave me hope that better things exist when this life is over, and something to look forward to when the Lord calls me home. He gave me purpose all over again, because now I want to live to make him proud, and raise his brother and sisters to know exactly who Khoen was, and why Khoen is special. And trust me, I'm going to do just that.
But just because my plans didn't turn out as I had prayed, doesn't give me the right to be any less excited for someone else who had twins. Thats just that ugly side of me, where my selfishness and jealousy live, and I don't like that side of me. Everyone has that side, and some choose to let it win and take over their lives, while others choose to be bigger than that. I want to be bigger than that. I'm not going to look not only at what I have lost, but also what I have gained.
Hannah and Ashley have a stronger bond with me really than anyone else, even though I've known them for a lot less time than most of my other friends. And I'm not saying that meanly towards anyone; I just mean that they know the pain that I feel, that sometimes takes over me, and they've unfortunately walked in those same shoes.
They've walked into a cemetary, and said their final goodbyes to their babies, which none of us should have ever had to do. Raidyn, Chloe, and Khoen were all just so perfect. They were Angels here on earth, and they are Angels daily for us in Heaven. Raidyn and Chloe made sure they found Khoen, and made sure their mommies found me. They knew how much I needed their mommies. And I'm forever grateful for that, sweet babies. I can't wait to meet each of you someday as well. <3
So yes, I am happy that Hannah has let me be a part of her pregnancy so far. Austyn and Bently mean so much to me, and I can't wait to hold each of them. That doesn't mean its never hard; I'm human, of course there are times when I feel a little overwhelmed.
Today, towards the end of watching Hannah open her gifts, something hit me in the pit of my stomach. We were on the last present, and I just remembered being excited about the things I had prepared for my boys. The little preemie clothes, the diapers, the little socks and shoes. I remembered how happy I was. And then I just missed Khoen.
When we were done, I snuck outside for a few minutes with Kaisyn. I just needed a little fresh air, and a second to clear those thoughts out of my head. I didn't in any way want to make Hannah feel sad on her special day. Today wasn't about me, nor my twins. It was about Hannah, and celebrating the lives of her 2 little miracles. I would never do anything to take away from that.
So I went outside and just looked at the sky for a few minutes. And I swear I saw a handprint in the clouds. I'm not making this up either, I swear. I saw this handprint, and it was huge. At first I thought aww, maybe it's Khoen, telling me not to be sad. And maybe it was. But then I thought, maybe it's God's....maybe its him reminding me that this is His plan, and it's all in His hands. It's ok for me to be sad sometimes, and its ok for me not to cry at other times. And I was reminded of that.
Whether is was God's hand, or Khoen's hand, or just a completely random coincidence, it made me feel better. It made me smile again, because I'm happy I got the time I did have with Khoen. I'm glad that I did have twins, even if I didn't get to live it out as long as I dreamed. I'm glad that I can call such a sweet, beautiful, perfect little angel my son.
Hannah, I love you. You don't know how much I appreciate you letting me be a part of your pregnancy with your twins. You don't know how often I pray for you, that things go right and you are able to feel the happiness you so much deserve again. You don't know how much you mean to me, and how much I value you as a friend.
If I ever cry around you because I miss my twins, please don't feel guilty. Ever. You have no reason to. It will never mean I am any less happy for you, your family, and your twins. I'm telling you now, on their firsts, I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna cry when I get to help you celebrate their first birthday, I promise. Because it will be such an amazing milestone for you, and for them, and we will all be able to breathe a little easier, because we have all been through so much. But I am so proud of you as a mother, and as a person, and I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me when I needed it the most. Thank you for understanding when I can't find my smile. Thank you for staying by my side through the tears. And thank you for just being yourself, and letting me be a part of your life. You are strong, beautiful, and amazing, and I couldn't do this without you.
And sorry for picking on you in this blog ;) but I just had this on my heart, and needed to get it out in the open. If my tears ever bring you guilt, I will never be able to forgive myself, because that will never be my intention. So I want you to know that now, up front, in case it ever happens in the future. I love you, and your twins, and yes, I miss mine. But I'm still a mommy of twins too, and I'm gonna be by your side as long as you will let me stay here!! :)
It's time for me to get my kids in bed, and I'm probably gonna cry a little, then go to sleep too. But this time, I think I'll cry because I'm so happy to have the amazing friends that I do have. Through it all, I'm so blessed. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. God knows what he is doing, and we are all going to be ok.
Khoen, you will always be right here with me, and I am still working on doing something big just for you, in your name buddy. I love you forever and always, and I can't wait to see you!! Big hugs and big kisses from mommy just to you. <3
